Most of us, especially those living in Western cultures, grew up with the belief that being a quitter is the quintessential sign of weakness. “Don’t be a quitter,” we were told ad nauseam, and while this may have provided healthy fodder for things like schoolwork, group activities, and certain personal responsibilities, it is not always the best advice for our physical or spiritual health.
Sometimes quitting is exactly what our bodies and souls need to do in order to let go of that which is harmful, toxic, or simply outgrown. I quit a 33 year smoking addiction nearly 7 weeks ago and it has been a journey beyond journeys. And a journey that’s really only just begun.
The first few weeks of my quit were all about withdrawal. Getting the nicotine out of my bloodstream, out of my muscles and tissues, out of my nervous system. It was hell. Truly. One day I might be able to write about it in greater detail but, for now, it remains a messy blur of tears, anxiety, depression, emotional free fall, and sheer survival. I relied heavily on my family’s and friend’s love and encouragement, exercise, the friendship of strangers on an internet smoking cessation support group, more exercise, computer Pacman, and still more exercise. In fact I exercised myself right into a sprained back.
Once the nicotine withdrawal was complete the mental and spiritual work began. Mental work because recovering from any addiction requires changing one’s moment to moment thoughts and beliefs. Spiritual work because ending an addiction also requires a committed, long-term overhaul of one’s core self-esteem. After all, at the root of any chemical addiction lies a belief -at some level- that one’s life does not have value. Changing this belief is now the single most important job I have, if for no other reason than -without such change- I will always be susceptible to chemically addictive behaviors.
Quitting smoking is bringing other life lessons as well. I try, every day, to remind myself that I was a cigarette addict for 33 years. That’s 1,716 weeks. It would be naive to think I would get past this struggle in just 7 weeks. It’s going to take time and patience. And that is one of the greatest emotional and spiritual lessons I am learning …patience, patience, patience. I can’t think of a better gift to come into my life. Patience was never one of my virtues. Now, I try to start each day with a deep breath and with faith that, as long as I have patience with myself and the process, I will be okay.
My quit -and all the deeper issues surrounding it- has been the focus of my life these past 7 weeks. And it will continue to be my focus until I have reached a point of security with it. Even then, staying quit will always remain one of the most important commitments I’ve made.
The summer of 2009 started out much like other summers. I hadn’t moved homes or changed jobs or relocated to a new city. I started the summer thinking the biggest news would be where I went for vacation or what great books I’d read or what new hobby I might pick up. It turns out the theme of my 2009 summer is that I am a big quitter. And sometimes in life that is the best thing to be.
